In my previous post, I wrote about a birthmother who is struggling greatly with her feelings of rejection. This birthmom was aware of her son’s whereabouts and the goings on in his life through a relationship with his adoptive parents, but she relates that she and the adoptive parents agreed in the beginning that they would allow the son to choose as an adult whether to have contact with his birthmom, so there has been no contact between them. The pain in her words reveals that although she made that agreement, she can’t understand why he wouldn’t now choose the contact that is available to him. My heart breaks for her, yet as respondents to her post have pointed out, she had the benefit of “peering into his life” all these years without him being aware of her presence. It’s felt like an open adoption in many ways to her, but to him, it was entirely closed.

I hear many adoptive parents say, or imply, that they think it will be hard on their kids to have a relationship with their birthparents and that it’s easier just to kind of put this connection aside and focus on their life as a family. There’s a lot of appeal in that idea, especially with our Families Can be Together Forever perspective! But when a child grows older and begins to really try to figure out what he’s all about, and to really think about what it means to be a part of his adoptive family and where he was prior, birthparents can provide pieces to the puzzle that we simply don’t have.

One thing the birthmom in the forum said in a later reply was that she feels his not wanting anything to do with her is an attempt on his part to hide the fact that he was adopted – maybe not in a literal way, but as a way of protecting himself. She says that it’s hard to know she could help him figure out who he is, but that he won’t accept that help from her. She marvels that although the two of them had no contact, he became a photographer, just as she is. She hoped he would acknowledge that this interest came from somewhere, and is saddened at the irony that they have this amazing, potentially unifying similarity in their lives, but it can’t be put to use building a friendship.

“…this is why I want to talk to [J], I think he can put a more solid and true base for his life if he takes me into his account. Genes really do have an effect on your life, and I am the only one who can tell him about his maternal genes. I would love it if we could be friends, but this is more than wanting us to have a relationship; this is the time he is looking for himself and that's where I think it is important for him to know me, then his conclusions are taking all the factors of himself.”

As I mentioned above, I think it’s easy, and attractive, even, for any adoptive parents to be of the mindset that birth families don’t really have any bearing on their lives. And for LDS parents, in particular, who’ve had their children sealed to them in the temple, it’s tempting to assume that the birthparents don’t factor into the “grand scheme of things.” But this life is a long one, and childhood and young adulthood can be a hard enough time to figure out who you are, even for children to don’t join their families through adoption.

I certainly believe there are circumstances where closed adoptions are best (such as in cases of children who’ve been removed from their first homes because of abuse or neglect, just to name one example), but in general, I think relationships with birthparents can be positive, enriching ones. Thankfully, LDS Family Services now allows for much expanded levels of openness, and allows the birth and adoptive parents to make those decisions rather than having a blanket (written or implied) policy.

Research shows that many, if not most, of our fears about open adoption are unfounded. A study known as the The Minnesota/Texas Adoption Project (MTARP) found:

1. Parties in open (fully disclosed) adoptions are NOT confused about their parenting rights and responsibilities.
2. Birth mothers do NOT attempt to "reclaim" their children.
3. Children in open (fully disclosed) adoptions are NOT confused about who their parents are. They do understand the different roles of adoptive and birth parents in their lives.
4. Differences in adolescent adoptive identity or degree of preoccupation with adoption are NOT related to the level of openness in the adoption.
5. Adoptive openness does NOT appear to influence an adoptee's self-esteem in any negative way.
6. Adoptive parents in open adoptions do NOT feel less in control and, indeed, have a greater sense of permanence in their relationship with their child.
7. Open adoption does NOT interfere with adoptive parents' sense of entitlement or sense that they have the right to parent their adopted child.
8. Birth mothers in open and ongoing mediated adoptions do NOT have more problems with grief resolution; indeed, they show better grief resolution than those in closed adoptions.

Source: Child Welfare Information Gateway

I believe if a couple is fortunate enough to have a relationship with, or at least knowledge about, their child’s birthparent(s), they should count themselves very fortunate and do their best to grow and nurture this connection for the benefit of all involved. In general, we have nothing to fear and our kids have lots to gain.

Additional resources:

Open Adoption Blog
Open Adoption Forum
Open Adoption
Open Adoption Statistics
Open Adoption Facts
Survey: Things I Wish My Adoptive Parent Knew
Book: Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew, by Sherrie Eldridge