I have written and rewritten this post, and I’m having a hard time putting what I want to say in words that don’t make me sound embittered or judgmental. If it were just me that this topic affects, I think I could let it go. But this week, as I’ve talked to other LDS adoptive parents, I’ve (unfortunately) been shown that what I’m going to write about is not unique to me or my area. I hope that talking about it will help adoptive parents to know they’re not alone when they face similar sentiments, and that I can provide sound advice for dealing with negativity when it rears its ugly head.

I’ve mentioned in previous posts that three other families in our ward have decided to adopt from Haiti. Two families have referrals and are finishing up the paper chase, and the third family is hoping to get referrals soon. Needless to say, we are thrilled about their choices and consider it nothing but miraculous. But in the last two weeks, two of my adopting friends have been accused of “jumping on the adoption bandwagon” simply because they’re adopting from the same country we did.

Hearing the term “bandwagon” was used troubled me. When I asked other adoptive parents’ take on this, one mom said she found the term “bandwagon” bothersome because it suggests that someone is joining a group just because it’s the popular thing to do and without thinking it through. She argued that there are few people who would take on the challenges of international adoption simply because someone else (in this case, our family) has done it. Who drops $20,000+, changes their family for eternity, travels to another country, or adds a bedroom on to their house without not only thinking about what they’re doing, but fasting and praying about it as well?

Because two of these adoptive moms are close friends of mine, I have some idea of the lengths to which they’ve gone to seek the Lord’s approval of and guidance in their adoption plans. They’ve fasted, prayed and attended the temple. They’ve read, researched, talked to other adoptive parents and discussed the plans with their children. Beyond that, both families have strong ties to Haiti, and it’s not much of a stretch to see why either chose this country. I don’t know the other adopting mom as well and don’t know the details about why they chose Haiti, but I have no doubt that they made a careful, educated decision as well.

In my own experience, it’s been the criticisms couched in concern that have been most difficult to deal with. I’m amazed how many “experts” there are because of knowing someone who knows someone whose kids turned out awful. It is clear that some people have very negative opinions of older child adoption in particular, and that the few negative outcomes they may have heard about distort their perception of reality. Yes, some families struggle, some adoptions fail, but that doesn’t mean all or most or even some will. Statistically, few adoptions fail. Few. Some parents adopt difficult kids, it’s true, but who says “difficult” kids don’t deserve families?! Thank goodness some people are willing to take the risk.

My mother told me a horrifying story about a woman in a former ward of hers. This woman had adopted two older children internationally, and both children grew to have significant problems. If I remember correctly, one of the children spent time in a residential treatment facility. What a tragic thing for this family! But did the ward rally around her and offer support and love? No. They gossiped and criticized (rather blatantly, according to my mother) and asked, “What did she expect?” Let’s hope she didn’t expect a little help, or some prayers, or a shoulder to cry on. She would have been sorely disappointed.

If a mother gave birth to a child with an alphabet soup of diagnoses, would people say, “See? We told you so. You should never have gotten pregnant with that child. He’ll be nothing but trouble.” No. But if an adoptive family struggles with a child, the “I told you so” attitude can be rampant.

Another adoptive mom who chimed in on this issue said that when they adopted their last (6th) child, her Relief Society president announced that meals would not be brought to the family because she would not support “irresponsible behavior.” The adoption story is not mine to share, but if you knew the beautiful, amazing and miraculous account of how this child and family found each other, you would shake your head in disgust that someone would tarnish the experience in this way.

I don’t want to paint the picture that our ward has been unsupportive. In fact, as a general rule, our ward has been incredibly supportive and encouraging about our adoptions. For our first adoption, meals were brought in and I was given a shower. For our second, nearly our entire ward turned out for a adoption fireside given by our family. We were incredibly moved by this. For our third, the Relief Society totally rallied around us. They sewed a oodles of cloth diapers, and donated clothes and toys for the orphanage in Haiti.

It’s especially hard for me, though, when some individuals from church – people I feel should “get it” – express negative opinions. I’m amazed that they consider it any of their business, and shocked so that they would actually verbalize their pessimistic ideas to those who so eagerly await the arrival of their new children. Whatever happened to just talking about people behind their backs? ;)

My parents always told me, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”

Words to live by, I say.

Join me for part two, where we’ll tackle ways to avoid feeling down in the dumps that other people don’t or can’t get it, and for part three - ways to talk with the offending parties.

Additional Reading:

How to Stand Up to Unsupportive People
Standing Up to Unsupportive People
Failure to Stand Up to Unsupportive People
Lack of Support After the Adoption