Mormon Adoption, LDS Adoption, Child Adoption - The Blessing of Birthparents, part 2

01/05/07

The Blessing of Birthparents, part 2

Posted by : Tana W. in LDS Adoption Blog at 11:41 pm , 741 words, 174 views
Categories: BIRTHPARENTS, Adoption Stories

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When I came across this story, I just knew that I had to share it here. Knowing that so many birthparents undertake the decision to place a baby through counsel with their church leaders and heartfelt prayer to the Lord helps us to know that Heavenly Father's hand is truly directing the course of these sweet babies' lives. It is not up to chance, and birthparents and adoptive parents alike can receive great peace and comfort knowing that He is there helping with these difficult decisions.

The story is called "The Adoption Decision" and can be found in the March 2006 New Era.

Name Withheld

A 19-year-old unwed mother, whom we’ll call Charlotte, recently placed her baby girl for adoption through LDS Family Services. She shared her difficult experience with the New Era. Charlotte realizes that her violation of the law of chastity has complicated her life. But she has taken the necessary steps to receive, through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, forgiveness and healing of spirit. This article focuses on her adoption decision, not on the process of her repentance.

I can still remember the day I found out I was pregnant. I was filled with dread and shock and fear. When I told my boyfriend the test was positive, we both sat in silence for a long time.
He finally hugged me, but I was too shocked to cry. I remember saying, “So what’s next? Should we get married?”

He was just as shocked as I was. He asked me if there were any other options besides marriage. I was upset by that because I assumed he was referring to abortion, which was out of the question.

A few days after I found out I was pregnant, I decided to tell my mom. It was a Sunday night, and we were lying down in the family room, tired after a long weekend of moving. Suddenly I said, “Mom, I need to tell you something.”

She asked, “What?”

I hesitated, then said, “I’m pregnant.”

She didn’t cry at first, but after we started talking, she started to cry but stayed calm enough for us to talk. I had been afraid she would be upset, but she was loving and supportive.
My mom later told my dad, and he came into my room and hugged me and offered his love and support. Just weeks before I found out I was pregnant, he had given me a birthday card in which he wrote that he was proud of me. I remember reading that card and being sad at the thought of disappointing him.

As the days passed, Charlotte started thinking of her options: to get married, to be a single parent, or to place her baby for adoption. She determined that a successful marriage was not possible for her, so she followed her doctor’s advice to go to LDS Family Services to discuss her options. Charlotte started seeing a counselor there named Kathy (name has been changed).

For a couple of weeks, Kathy and I talked about single parenting. She gave me a lot of articles and worksheets that dealt with the emotional, physical, and financial aspects of raising a child. I knew my parents would help support my baby and me, but it was scary to think, “What if I had to do it on my own?”

We discussed the pros and cons of single parenting. “Where would I live?” “Would the baby be a source of contention between me and my parents?” “Would I work full time?” “What about child care?” and so on.

We discussed how I might have to live with my parents and how girls struggle with that. Young mothers worry about their mothers taking over and being the mother of the child, and that can cause a lot of contention between the two. I also wondered if I would be able to go to college if I were a single mom. I would probably have to work full time, which wouldn’t make it easy to go to school.

Kathy asked me what appealed to me about single parenting. As I thought about it, all my reasons for choosing to be a single parent were selfish. They all boiled down to the fact that I’d have my baby with me. The problem with that is, I knew she wasn’t just mine. My baby was Heavenly Father’s child.

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10 comments

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Comment from: thomasina [Member]

"Kathy" sounds like a nightmare, she is the avatar of your typical adoption counselor laden with propaganda meant to convince a young woman in crisis preganancy how unworthy she is to parent alone; how selfish it would be for her to do so. It is worse in agencies with religious affiliations; the line is always that the Lord put the baby in the prospective birthmother's hands for the adoptive family. This defies logic and my perceptions of the nature of God. I mean, if God wanted the adoptive family to have the child, why wouldn't God have placed the child in the adoptive mother's womb in the first place? Also, the God in whom I believe would not put a young woman through the absolute Hell of relinquishing her child.

My cousin is a devout Mormon. She had low self esteem due to a difficult childhood. When she went to college (an LDS-affiliated school out west), her insecurities led her to engage in some rather promiscuous behavior. She got pregnant and LDS Family Services convinced her to relinquish her son despite promises from the immediate and extended family to help her to parent. Distraught and feeling worse about herself than ever, she began sleeping around again after her return to college. She got pregnant again. LDS Family Services was there again trying to convince her to relinquish. She was about to cave. However, fortunately for her son and for our family, she found the strength to stand up to them in the hospital and kept her second son. Parenting her second son was not easy. She had to return home to live with her paretns and work full-time to pay for expenses incurred during the pregnancy and the hospital stay. However, she went on to marry and parent other children. Her son is now grown and is a wonderful young man. She has always grieved for her first son and regretted that she allowed LDS to convince her that relinquishment was "the Lord's will."

One other point I want to make is that one of the ways LDS Family Services (and a number of other agencies with religious affiliations) ensures that the potential birth mom will relinquish is a financial one. That is, they offer to pay all of the pbmom's pregnancy and birth expenses as long as she relinquishes. This offer must come as a huge relief to young women finding themselves in crisis pregnancies and may lead to a conviction that they have no choice but to accept. (Otherwise, how would they pay for everything?). Last minute decisions to parent mean having to repay LDS Family Services. This is what happened to my cousin. LDS Family Services paid for both of her pregnancies and births. However, when she decided to parent her second son, she was presented with a bill. If this was because the money came directly from the potential adoptive parents, with LDS acting as an intermediary, it would be somewhat understandable. Otherwise it is a very obvious and sad commentary on the outlook of LDS on birthmothers.
Nota bene: This attempt to propagandize and guilt trip birthmothers into believing thatrelinquishment is God's will is not unique to LDS. The coerced placement of my son was through Catholic Social Services. They were just as bad as LDS Family Services, if not worse.

Permalink 01/06/07 @ 07:46

Comment from: kcs02 [Member]

· http://afamilyoften.blogspot.com/

I had some of the same thoughts as I read this. It seems like Kathy presented a pretty one-sided view to the birthmom.

Permalink 01/06/07 @ 17:47

Comment from: Tana W. [Member]

· http://lds.adoptionblogs.com

Since I've never been in the position of birthmother, I obviously can't comment on the general approach of LDSFS with single pregnant women. However, I did accompany a single pregnant friend to a nearby city for a meeting with an LDSFS social worker to discuss her options, and I was quite impressed with the way the SW handled things. There was no pressure, and when I talked with him about how I could best help my friend (who frequently asked my advice and opinions), he told me that it was entirely her decision and that in spite of our church leaders' counsel that single expectant parents strongly consider adoption, he had worked with many moms who felt spiritually directed to parent. My friend prayed and prayed about her situation and ultimately chose to parent as well. She spoke positively of her meeting and phone communications with the social worker even after her decision had been made.

Our prophet, Gordon B. Hinckley, said, “When marriage is not possible, experience has shown that adoption, difficult though this may be for the young mother, may afford a greater opportunity for the child to live a life of happiness. Wise and experienced professional counselors and prayerful bishops can assist in these circumstances.” (emphasis mine)

Another important issue (which I won't debate but merely present as a partial explanation for the LDS Church's emphasis on adoption when marriage is not possible) is our belief that families can be together forever, and it is essential for a husband and wife to have partaken of sealing ordinances in the temple. In other words, marriage is a necessary part of our salvation. You can read more about these beliefs here: http://www.mormon.org/learn/0,8672,1456-1,00.html

Permalink 01/06/07 @ 21:09

Comment from: thomasina [Member]

I am familiar with the LDS belief that famiies can be together forever and the concept of sealing (to which we owe the fabulous genealogical resources available at LDS stakes. Just a few points of curiosity, not debate: Does the sealing ordinance include adopted children's first parents? Also, what does the sealing ordinance for husbands and wives have to do with the LDS Church's position on adoption?

Permalink 01/06/07 @ 21:44

Comment from: Tana W. [Member]

· http://lds.adoptionblogs.com

I'm sorry I wasn't more clear. :) Without an in-depth discussion of church doctrine, it's difficult to give a meaningful short answer. But in a nutshell, families achieve exaltation together; that is, you must be married and be sealed to your spouse. (Note that we also believe that those who didn't have the opportunity to marry in this life can have that opportunity after this life). When a couple has been married (sealed) in the temple, all children born to them are automatically sealed to that couple. Adopted children are sealed to their adoptive parents in a special sealing ceremony so they can be with that family in the eternities. It does not include first parents.

Because we believe a temple marriage (sealing) is one of the ordinances essential to our salvation (along with baptism, for example), the church urges single expectant parents to consider adoption so the child can have an eternal family. Of course, it's certainly possible for single expectant mothers who decide to parent to later marry/be sealed to a spouse in the temple. At that point, if the couple hoped to seal her child to them, the child would have to be legally adopted by the spouse, or the birthfather would have to give permission for the ordinance to be done. I have friends who have done exactly this, and I might do some checking and see if they'd be willing to share their stories..

Anyway, looking at it purely statistically, a child has a greater chance at a two-parent, sealed family if s/he starts out with one than if s/he starts out life in a single parent home, hence the emphasis on adoption.

This is not church doctrine by any means, but my hope is that our adopted children will somehow be able to have a continued connection to their first parents in the next life. I don't know what form that connection would take, but I in fact sort of bank on it, particularly for our children who will never have a chance to know anything about their birthparents. I believe that if nothing else, they'll finally be able to have their questions answered and be able to gain understanding.

Permalink 01/06/07 @ 23:49

Comment from: thomasina [Member]

Thank you for the explanation. It's clear now.
I was wondering if there are statistics supporting the assertion that "a child has a greater chance of a two-parent sealed family if he/she starts out with one." I know that my cousin had no trouble finding a Mormon husband. However, in general, are unmarried Mormon women who have violated the doctrine of chastity considered unsuitable wives by potential Morman suitors? Even in 2007?
I agree that I hope that LDS (and all) adopted children have a chance for a continued (or renewed) connection with with first parents in the next life. If not, the afterlife would just be a continuation of the hell on Earth in which we birthparents who are separated from their relinquished children live.

Permalink 01/07/07 @ 15:08

Comment from: Tana W. [Member]

· http://lds.adoptionblogs.com

Hi Thomasina,

In answer to your question about chastity, it would effictively nullify the impact of the Atonement if we believed that people who've violated the law of chastity and repented are "unsuitable." There may be those with personal hang-ups about such things, but as far as the doctrine of the church goes, repentence makes us clean again and no one should hold past wrongs against us. :)

But your overall question about my assertion is, again, one of those that's harder to address without some background in LDS beliefs, and also in LDS "culture." LDS couples tend to marry young by most people's standards. A good portion of LDS members meet and marry at college, and men are encouraged not to delay marriage after returning home from their missions (most missionaries are 21 upon homecoming). And our very low divorce rate (around 13% according to most sources), coupled with the teaching that we marry within our faith, means that there are compartitvely few single, eligible, temple-worthy "older" adults. However, there are older people, single parents, divorcees, etc. who marry in the temple all the time, so I don't want to paint the picture that it's impossible. It's just that looking at it from a basic supply-and-demand standpoint, there are more challenges for a young single mother (or father).

I think you can compare what I said to myriad scenarios; for example, you're more likely to grow up to be a farmer if you're born into a farming family than to a couple of investment bankers. ;) You could decide to be a farmer rather than a banker if you were born to banking parents, but it would probably be more challenging. I don't have any official statistics to back up what I said (they may exist) but if you look at it mathematically, it's logical to say that if a child is born/adopted into a sealed, two-parent family, his chances of *being* in a two-parent, sealed family are 100%. On the other hand, for a child born into a single parent family where the parent hopes to have a temple marriage, his chances are x% - it's an unknown. (I should mention for completeness' sake that we don't believe every sealed family has "made it." They must still lead honorable, righteous lives in order to be families forever.)

This article by Monte Brough says this: "When the adoption is carried out with counsel from a bishop through LDS Social Services, the young mother has a much better prospect for later marriage in the temple and for a successful economic and social life of her own." (You can find the full article here: http://library.lds.org/nxt/gateway.dll/Magazines/Ensign/1994.htm/ensign%20september%201994.htm/guidance%20for%20unwed%20parents.htm?f=templates$fn=document-frame.htm )$3.0#JD_E2409.18

I hope I've answered your questions, and I wanted to tell you that I appreciate your cordial tone very much. While the topic of religion is generally off-limits on most adoption blogs, it's obviously unavoidable here. ;)

Permalink 01/08/07 @ 17:38

Comment from: Jenna Hatfield [Member]

· http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/

it's logical to say that if a child is born/adopted into a sealed, two-parent family, his chances of *being* in a two-parent, sealed family are 100%.

I'm sorry. This is a load of BS that agencies so frequently feed expectant Mothers. It may be true that LDS families have a lower divorce rate than other religions/groups of people. However, there is absolutely no guarantee that the family will stay married or that one parent won't die. Let's not make up statistics here. Expectant Mothers need to know that adoptive families divorce and die, just the same as biological families.

Permalink 01/08/07 @ 18:59

Comment from: Tana W. [Member]

· http://lds.adoptionblogs.com

You're exactly right that adoptive families divorce and die (or sin), and that's why I added that there is no guarantee that sealed families will "make it."

While my intention was not to offend, I can't apologize for, sugar-coat, or explain away that the leaders of our church feel two-parent families are best (if possible!), and that this is what drives the emphasis on adoption. I'll end my participation in this discussion now before it deteriorates further.

Permalink 01/08/07 @ 19:15

Comment from: thomasina [Member]

Tana,
Thank you for your willingness to provide this information. I also appreciate the cordial tone. I knew some things about the Mormon faith as I love my cousin and wanted to understand her new life after her side of the family converted. Therefore, I read the books she sent to me and got an overview. However, I did not have this kind of understanding of LDS culture, particularly as it pertained to adoption.

Regarding our fervent reaction to certain statements. Please don't take it personally. Please understand that we are reacting from a place of deep pain. Some of us firstmoms have had our lives irrevocably damaged by misleading agency propaganda. That is why we are particularly sensitive about claims that reflect Candide-esque optimism; that is "Dans le meilleur des mondes, tout est bien or In the best of all possible worlds, all is well," when in fact, it often ain't. It is so hard to face having made the ultimate sacrifice only to learn it was for naught. Surely you can see that. :-)

Permalink 01/08/07 @ 21:39

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