Our family has been blessed by international adoption five times over, but we have never completed a domestic adoption (though we’ve been through two failed attempts). Because our adoption processes didn’t include being chosen by our children’s first parents, our involvement with and knowledge about birthparents has been little to none, and this is frequently the case for international adoptions. It’s hard to conceive of an adoption “triad” when a crucial piece of the triangle is just a fuzzy concept rather than a specific person or persons. I’m painfully aware that for our Chinese daughters in particular, who were anonymously abandoned, the sad reality is that they will likely never know anything about their birthparents. What I “see” when I imagine those parents are just vague, generic images; I’m left to try to fill in the blanks with the few clues that I have, such as where our girls were found, what they were wearing, and their ages. I imagine our first Chinese daughter was the child of farmers, but whether she was the first child or a second (and likely allowed) attempt for a boy, I can only guess. Our second daughter was about two months old when she was found, and I speculate that since she was born in the metropolis of Shanghai, where things are more “progressive,” it was probably her heart problem rather than her gender that led her first parents to take the steps they did. I imagine them discovering the problem at a regular pediatrician visit, or maybe they knew from the beginning but needed time to figure out what to do. Again, it’s speculation, but I can’t help wondering about all of it. And one day, my daughters will wonder about all of it, too. And I have nothing concrete to give them. It took me a while to realize that this would be a bad thing. In my pre-adoption naivete, I saw this as a perk of international adoption. No guilt, no mess, right? But since then, my eyes have been opened because of a couple of blessings in my life.

In our daughter Cora’s case, we have her Haitian parents’ names and city of residence, but not a shred more. Miraculously, however, we have been able to meet – twice – our other Haitian children’s birthmother on our trips to Haiti. This was something I never could have imagined before it happened, but we are so grateful to have had this opportunity. Even though our visits were short, I feel such a connection to R now, and such LOVE for her. And meeting her and sharing what we share with her has made me determined to maintain a relationship with her, not only for our children’s benefit, but for my own benefit as well. Especially on our second trip to Haiti, we learned that she truly wanted us to be her children’s parents. She may not have reviewed parent profiles or had the opportunity to ponder or pray over which family to select, but she let us know that she was happy with the way things had turned out. I can’t begin to explain the feelings of peace this gives me.

The other blessing is my current visiting teaching assignment. My partner is an adoptive parent (domestic, through LDSFS, with a Haitian adoption in process), and one of the sisters on our route is a sweet sister, A. A is a birthmother, and I have no doubt that the Lord gave her to me (or us to each other) so we could help fill needs the other has. In my case, it’s been tremendously rewarding to hear the stories of the daughter she bore who now lives in another family, and the son she bore whose father has full custody. Although I hate seeing A sad when she speaks of her children, it’s somehow comforting to me to see that she loves and misses them and thinks of them often. It helps me to realize that our children’s birthparents must have those same thoughts, whether we know anything about them or not. And I think it helps A to see her two visiting teachers who love their adopted children fiercely, and maybe helps dampen her fears and give her comfort about the decisions she made.

I’m so grateful for our birthparents, whether I know them personally or not, and I pray for them all the time. I pray that they will somehow know that the children we share are safe, happy and loved. I pray that they may be helped with their needs, and that the gospel will one day find them, even in China.

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