"Name-calling? I didn't mean anything!"

Often young children do not know the meaning of the words they use, but they do know that the words will get a reaction from the victim. Children need to learn that such language can hurt other people, and is as bad as throwing rocks. Children who yell a racist or other hurtful name in anger should be talked to right away. They must learn not to throw objects at or say hurtful words to other children. Children need to understand that they have made a mistake and have hurt someone. A discussion might include the following ideas:

"You were angry at Tom and you called him a hurtful name. You need to know that words can hurt. When people get hurt by words, they don't get cuts or bruises on the outside, but they are hurt on the inside. You may have been really upset at something Tom did; but instead of telling him what you didn't like, you called him a word that is used to hurt people. If you told Tom what you didn't like, it might have helped him to change his behavior. Name-calling is unfair. It hurts people, and it doesn't solve anything." Help children think about solutions. Try to elicit a few options from them, and then ask which ones they would like to try. "If you are angry with Tom, what can you do to let him know how you feel without calling him a name?"

In an effort to educate the namecaller, it is important not to ignore the child who has been called hurtful names. Be sure to give time and attention to children who have been victimized by name-calling; they need to be reassured that their race, religion, gender, accent, disability, sexual orientation or appearance do not make them deserving targets.

My final source of support is my husband, who is ever the voice of reason and the best “go to” guy I know. When I’m a jumble of emotions, he has the incredible ability to pull back, and look at the big picture objectively. It’s truly a talent, and I wish I had it! He reminded me of the dire circumstances in which the offending child lives, that he surely has few positive role models, and that he deserves sympathy rather than anger. But when I pressed for what we should DO about the situation (because ignoring it would be the wrong thing to do), he offered to speak to the boy’s mother, whom he knows well. He said he believes she will listen and take appropriate action if approached in the right way, but also reminded me that it may have no real impact on the boy. What could have an “impact,” he said, is if this boy makes similar comments in different circumstances down the road, and is surprised to find himself getting the tar kicked out of him by people who don’t share his views. ;)

Although I’m not expecting a complete transformation of this kid’s heart, or an apology, or even an admission of guilt, I’m hopeful that he will realize the cruelty of his words and that maybe, just maybe, he’ll think twice before being so unkind in the future. If nothing else, we will have demonstrated to all our children that ignoring racism is not the answer, and that we have an obligation to take up the fight and counter messages of hatred.