I must confess, when I first heard the term “Post Adoption Depression” a few years ago, I thought it was tongue-in-cheek expression, like “Reluctant Husband Syndrome” or something. As I delved deeper into the adoption world, however, I learned that it was a very real phenomenon experienced by some people. Well, “some people” eventually included me.

When adopted our first Chinese daughter, everything went as wonderfully and smoothly as anyone could imagine. Our trip was fabulous, our first meeting was magical, and little Maizie exceeded all our expectations.

Why then, on our first night back in our own home, did I suddenly feel as though I were suffocating? For a while, I couldn’t quite put my finger on what my feelings were. It was a little bit like the feeling I get the day after Christmas, only much more intense. Over time I realized that although I had been looking forward to bringing this little person into our lives and home and family for well over a year, it was hard to adjust to having a baby in the house again. I had developed some freedoms as my other children had grown, and now, here I was – back at the diaper and bottle stage. I also realized that I’d been looking forward to this amazing experience for such a long time, and it made sense that I would feel a bit let down once that chapter of our lives came to a close.

Fortunately, my low feelings didn’t last long with our first adoption, and within no time, we were paperchasing for our second one.

When we finally had little Sofie in our arms, I realized that what I’d experienced with Maizie was akin to “the Baby Blues,” but with Sofie, it was the Real Deal. I was depressed.

I struggled for months after Sofie came home. I felt like the bonding was going much more slowly than I wanted it to, and I felt guilty that I didn’t feel that immediate chest-crushing love for her that I felt for my other kids. Sofie had lots of weird behavior – orphanage behavior – that caused me to worry and detach a little. There were days when I wondered WHAT we had just done to our family, and I longed to have things back the way they were. I was weepy, cranky and generally unpleasant to be around, and I felt trapped, ungrateful, worried and sick, all at the same time.

To make matters worse, I didn’t dare talk to anyone about my feelings. Every time I’d try to start a conversation with my husband, he (in an attempt to be supportive) would tell me that our decision had been made, there was no going back, and I needed to just move forward. I felt I couldn’t tell my parents or close friends because they would think I was horrible. It was a difficult time in my life and one that I worried I’d repeat with any subsequent adoptions. (Please see part two for information about how I ultimately overcame Post Adoption Depression.)

Amazingly, when we adopted our three children from Haiti, I didn’t experience any of these negative emotions. I was all geared up for them and imagined they would be triple the intensity, given the circumstances, but they never came. Sure, there were days when I felt overwhelmed with some of the logistics of suddenly being a family of 11, but I didn’t feel the trapped or suffocating feeling, or that I had just made a huge mistake.

I can’t say exactly why my experience was different this time, but I speculate that at least part of it was because of my experience with Sofie. Because I’d learned it wasn’t necessarily going to be all fairy tales and magic, I think I had more realistic expectations. I expected it to be hard. I expected there would be days I’d feel like junk. I expected my kids wouldn’t necessarily fall head-over-heels in love with me on the first day (and vice versa.) This made the wonderful, happy things the unexpected surprises, and good surprises are always a lot more fun.

In any case, my varied experiences have helped me to know that while I can’t predict my exact feelings when our Ethiopian kids come home, I at least won’t be caught off guard and will have some good coping tools under my belt. :)

Part Two

Further Reading:

Post Adoption Depression: A Parenting Transition
Post Adoption Depression
Psychologist: Post Adoption Depression