So, how do we tackle the negative comments that are couched in kindness?

My number one strategy with strangers is avoidance. As my friend Erin over at the transracial adoption blog recently observed, it’s pretty easy to sense when you are being watched, and it’s often an effective strategy to simply busy yourself with your family and not leave the door open for comments. It doesn’t work every time, but I know from experience that it works a lot!

When I simply can’t escape the “praise” of others, my second strategy is to cut them off before they can get to the “these kids” part of their speech and this approach can work well for any comment an adoptive couple frequently gets. When someone starts with the “fact” that “most” couples with infertility go on to conceive after adoption, for example, you can jump in with the statistics (3-10% according to this information and cut them off before they tell you about their cousin Jane who has a "natural" baby nine months younger than their adopted one. While just about any family would welcome a biological child, the implication in this statement is that the adopted child is just some sort of a consolation prize until you hit the real jackpot – a “real” baby. Again, while it’s not meant to be hurtful – generally – this isn’t the kind of thing you necessarily want your adopted toddler mulling over in his young mind.

In the case of our number one annoyance, it usually starts with, “I think you guys are such a great family,” or something along those lines. I jump right in with how we appreciate the compliment and that we think we have wonderful, amazing children. Sometimes this does the trick, but other times I can sense that it’s not going to appease and I go a little further. I may add that it was such a miracle that we were finally able to bring Sofie home from China and that we’re so grateful that she could finally be a part of our family, or that we’re so happy we’ve been able to accomplish the family goals that we have. It seems to help people “get it” if they can figure out that YOU initiated the adoption, YOU wanted it, YOU paid for it, YOU agonized through the wait, etc. I find that many people think we must have have our arms twisted or something.

The third approach is useful if someone gets far too personal or begins to make inaccurate assumptions. It’s important to have a tactful way to shut them down before (or even when) they go too far. A friend recommended a simple, but polite, “I’m sorry, but I don’t discuss our children’s private information,” and this is the approach I’m trying to get comfortable with. Admittedly, this is the one I struggle with most, and I think that’s true for the majority of parents – we want to be accommodating and friendly, right? But we owe it to our children to establish that their adoption histories are their private information, and we’re willing to do what it takes to keep it that way.

The final thing I suggest is a “magic letter,” which works great for all adoption types. This is a concept that’s utilized in many adoption groups, but I came to know it as the “magic letter” through the China adoptive community. Essentially, this is a way to have a deep adoption conversation with anyone you choose, before the adoption takes place. When we first decided to adopt from China, we knew that our families and friends would naturally be curious and have questions. The letter gave us the opportunity to address those questions in a general way, instead of later having to single someone out and “lecture” them for something they’d said or done. The first section of the letter included an overview of why we chose to adopt, why we chose China, and what the process and wait times were like. The second part was more hard-hitting, with information about China’s one-child policy and how that played into the numbers of available infants, girls, in particular. We gave direct instructions about what should not be said or asked around our daughter, and also had the opportunity to introduce positive adoption language. The third part included a brief history of China and a list of some of the things we hoped to do while there.

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