Being an adoptive family or even a prospective adoptive family can open you up for all sorts of unwelcome questions, comments and general observations on your life. In my experience, I’ve only rarely been confronted by people who express overtly negative feelings on the subject of adoption, but I find that these kinds of run-ins aren’t the only ones that cause me to cringe. No, the worst encounters seem to occur when people’s ignorance gets in the way of their attempts to “praise” or offer “encouragement.” Just ask any couple that has experienced infertility or hasn’t been able to carry a biological child to term how “encouraging” it is to be assured that now that they’ve adopted a baby, they’ll surely be able to have “one of their own.” Or to be told that God “blessed” them with infertility for a reason. The journey of infertility isn’t one that most folks are qualified to comment on, but this doesn’t stop them from offering their (perceived) expertise.

Couples who adopt newborns of the same ethnic background may find themselves fairly protected from such intrusions from strangers, but it doesn’t make it much more tolerable when acquaintances, friends and family make such offensive comments – in fact, the reverse may be true. Because most people who have a relationship with a prospective adoptive couple are attempting to be supportive when they “talk adoption,” it can make the comments even harder to take.

For couples choosing to adopt transracially, on in any manner that makes them more conspicuous, the battleground can become broader still because suddenly strangers can get in on the action. Now, any social worker worth a hill of beans should attempt to educate a prospective adoptive family about what it’s like to be a transracial adoptive family, and parents certainly bear the responsibility of reading and researching as well. But all the theoretical study and practice in the world doesn’t adequately prepare you for the practical application of your new knowlege in the grocery store. Or the mall. Or the park. Or school. Or church. Or, well, you get the idea.

I get many comments and questions about my family every time I go anywhere with them, but the one I have the most trouble with is the “praise” we get for adopting “these kids.” The wording of the comment varies from person to person, but the underlying message is always that my husband and I deserve admiration for adopting less-than-desirable children, children nobody else could possibly want. The conundrum is always that the person is trying to pay us a compliment, but in my mind, it’s about the most insulting thing a person could say. ;o) Every time it happens, I have to fight the urge to scream, “These are my children you’re talking about!” But I haven’t Yet.

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