How to talk with unsupportive people

In part one, I talked about how hurtful it can be to have adoption nay-sayers in your life, and in part two, I discussed ways we can remind ourselves that we’re doing the right thing, even in the face of negativity.

This section is all about talking through those unsolicited, negative comments!

If you’re like me, you’ve gotten fairly good at sizing up people’s comments on the fly. I’ve found that the vast majority of offensive comments/questions come from ignorance (e.g., “Do you have any kids of your own? Do you know anything about their real mom? I just love those almond-shaped eyes,” etc.) than from animosity. In those cases, my general strategy is to talk with them in a way that neutralizes their comments, parroting back what they’ve said but with more acceptable terms. In the rare instances that people are outright rude, I have no qualms about putting them in their places. (The comeback I’ve been waiting to try out is, “Did you mean to say that out loud?”)

When people take the passive aggressive approach that I discussed in part one, it’s a little trickier. Some are simply highly opinionated, fancy themselves experts, or simply enjoy picking a fight. Rest assured that it’s still none of their business and they are in the wrong.

If you encounter this variety of input, here’s where a little psychology can come in handy. Try the “What I hear you saying…” approach.

Using the “bandwagon” example, you might respond, “When you use the term ‘bandwagon,’ it makes me think of people who blindly follow others without thinking through their actions first. Is that the way you intended it?”

If you want to be nice and give them an “out,” add this:

“But I’m sure that’s not the way you intended it.”

They’ll either apologize and indicate they meant something different, or it will open a dialog. If a discussion results and the person begins to pepper you with details about a horrible adoption story, try neutralizing it:

“Oh, that’s so sad! I’m so glad that the vast majority of adoptions aren’t anything like that, and that our experiences have been so wonderful.”

In cases where people consider themselves experts because of education, career, etc., you can’t simply tell them to hang it in their ear. (Well, you could, but it probably wouldn’t be very effective!) But if they’re a believer in God, you can assure them that while you value their expertise, your adoption decisions have been made prayerfully and that you have assurance that you’re doing what’s right for your family. I would probably also add something like, “I would hope that our family has shown you that adoption is usually a very positive endeavor.”

If all else fails, you may want to pull out the big guns and simply tell them that you’re offended by what they’ve said. Point out that you know they mean well, but that you don’t believe others should question your inspiration, or for that matter, that they should be involving themselves in your business. Assure them that you value their friendship, but that their opinion about your family planning is not welcomed.

Negative people can be difficult to tolerate, but remember that we are obligated to forgive. Once you’ve said your peace, let it go. Forgive the person and console yourself with the fact that you have one FABULOUS family, no matter what anyone else might say or think.

And I say, “Go you!” You can always count on a positive word from me!

Additional Reading:

How to Stand Up to Unsupportive People
Standing Up to Unsupportive People
Failure to Stand Up to Unsupportive People
Lack of Support After the Adoption

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