Please, before you read this post, read this one from the Adoption.com forums and then come back and join me. :)

For readers unfamiliar with our family’s adoption stories, I will say in the interest of full disclosure that we have not adopted domestically and therefore don’t have firsthand experience with writing a letter to birthparents, deciding what sort of adoption (open, semi-open, closed) we’re comfortable with, or dealing with any of the other decisions and issues typically associated with a domestic adoption. But thanks to some unusual twists, we found ourselves in the unique position of being able to choose whether to have contact with the birthmother of two of our internationally adopted children – an opportunity much more unusual for international adoptions. We have chosen a completely open adoption, which includes regular pictures and letters going both ways, shared contact information, and even providing access to our family’s website so we can post new pictures for the birthmom to see. We intend to keep in touch with her as long as she chooses, and have no indication that she’ll choose otherwise, at least at this point.

So today, I want to use this very real first mom’s story as a jumping off point. I don’t know how you felt as you read about her experiences, but I was left feeling hopeless for her and somewhat, well, ill. My first thought was, I don’t want my children to feel this way and I will do everything in my power to make sure that they don’t! And I will! But I can’t know now what kind of thoughts and feelings they’ll have as they mature, and I certainly can’t force them to keep in contact with her, particularly when they’re out on their own.

In the meantime, I can lay the groundwork for them. One way we keep their birthmother alive in their memories is to talk about her often. She is not an off-limits subject. We also have pictures of her that the children can look at when they want to. As I mentioned above, we send pictures and letters to her, but we involve our daughter in this process (and will involve our son as he grows) by having her help choose photos to send and including her words in the letters we write. She also enjoys drawing pictures for her “mom in Haiti.”

When we send the letters, we detail what the kids are doing, what they’re learning and everything we can think of that she might want to know about them. We also ask specific questions – about her life with the kids, how things are going in Haiti, what information she’d like us to give the children, etc. – so the letters go past pleasantries and she’s (hopefully) motivated to write back with the answers.

Beyond these strategies, we plan to make at least a couple of trips to Haiti to volunteer in the orphanage our kids lived in and will visit birthfamily (if they are receptive) during those trips.

I’ve said in previous posts that I’ve really mourned (and continue to mourn) the fact that our other children know nothing or next to nothing about their birthparents. I know it is very likely they will mourn themselves. But for the two for whom we do have this miraculous connection, I feel an incredible sense of responsibility to nurture it and take care of it in their behalf, until they’re ready to take over themselves. And I hope that they will be.

We've talked about the "how," so please join me for part two: Why to facilitate relationships with birthparents.

Additional resources:

Birthparent Support Forum
Birth/First Parent Blog