Yesterday morning, I took Lulu (8, Haiti) and Maizie (5, China) with me to run some errands. Number one on my “to do” list was delivering a packet of pictures and a letter to my friend J, who was leaving for Haiti the next morning and would be seeing Lulu and Jackson’s birthmom. On the way, I explained to Lulu that J would be delivering the envelope to her birthmother and told her a bit of what I’d said in the letter. Lulu got very excited and began to ask if she could “go to Haiti tomorrow,” and after a brief explanation about why that wasn’t possible, she asked when we would be able to visit. I told her, as I have every time she asks, that we will visit when she is a little older, but that we can’t go right now. Lulu and I have frequent discussions about her birthmother, siblings and grandparents, so this wasn’t anything out of the ordinary.

A few minutes later, however, Maizie piped up from the back of the van and asked if we would be able to visit her first mother. Maizie and I have had limited discussions about her foster mom and how she grew in another woman’s tummy, but this was the first time she’d asked such a direct question. Although it probably shouldn’t have, it caught me a bit off guard, and I shook my head that she would ask such a complicated question when she’s four rows behind me and I can only see her face in the rear view mirror! (Incidentally, the first time she asked me why she didn’t grow in my tummy was on a trip to Yellowstone when I was horribly sick with nausea and unable to speak without fear of tossing my cookies. The kid has great timing! ;) ) I composed myself quickly, though, and proceeded with my standard approach: answer questions as they’re asked, and don’t overload with too much information.

I told Maizie that unfortunately, we didn’t know anything about her first parents except that for some reason, they weren’t able to care for a child. Without going into too much detail, I explained that in China, families are only allowed to have one child and that it was possible they already had a child, but that we didn’t really know for sure what the circumstances were. She was quiet for a moment, and then I added that no matter what happened, I wanted her to know that she is exactly where Heavenly Father wants her to be, with the family He wants her to have. She seemed content with this, and it seemed a logical explanation to Lulu, as well. After a few moments, Maizie asked, “Why can people in China only have one child? That’s weird!” Spoken like a child with eight siblings. ;)

Strangely, it only took a day before our other Chinese daughter, Sofie (3.5) asked about her birthmother. She wasn’t in the car during the initial conversation, but I’ve definitely seen the wheels turning in her little head as she’s overheard discussions about Lulu’s first mom. Tonight, just before dinner, she announced, “When I was a baby in China, my first mother told me her name is Elsie.” How’s that for a nice Chinese name? ;) “Sofie,” I said gently, “you were just a tiny baby when you went to live with the other babies at the orphanage.” A goofy “oh, yeah” smile spread across her face, but she insisted again her birth mother’s name is Elsie. We refer to Lulu’s birthmother by her first name (Lulu’s preference), so maybe “Elsie” will stick!

I realize that Lulu’s presence, age and adoption circumstances may have jump-started Maizie’s and Sofie’s processing of their own adoption stories, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Although we’ve always been open about adoption and how they came to be with our family, I think they were just too young to conceptualize what any of it was all about. Having Lulu as an example makes it more tangible, I think, and I also believe it helps them feel that all of this is normal. Complicated, yes, but normal and nothing to worry about or be ashamed of. We talked again tonight with all three girls and assured them that no matter how they came to join our family, they are in the place Heavenly Father wants them to be. Now, as I’ve written about before, that is not to say that we believe they were “destined” for our family and their birthparents were mere vessels for getting them here, but that circumstances being what they were, Heavenly Father chose for them to be loved by us and a part of our family.

Part two