In part one, I wrote about specific recent conversations about birthparents with our daughters, but in this section, I’d like to talk about adoption discussion “environment” that exists in our family. I’m certainly not an expert on adoption discussions, but we base what we do and say on extensive reading of authors who are, and we rely heavily on prayer to guide us through the sticky spots.

First, we’ve always made adoption discussions A-OK. The kids know that they’re allowed to bring it up any time they want, and that any feelings they verbalize will not be challenged or hushed. They’re free to say whatever they need to say, and then we talk through those feelings.

Some assurances that come from us regularly are that it’s OK to love and wonder about birthparents, and that we will always help them with this in any way that we can. Maizie doesn’t know anything about her birthmother, but she does know her foster mother and often asks to draw pictures for her and says that we’ll visit her again (and we have visited her). We tell her how wonderful it is to have so many people who love her – her foster mother, people at the orphanage, friends and family - and who she can love back. I’ve seen this approach work wonders with Lulu, as she was clearly struggling with loyalties and feelings in the beginning. When I reassure her that it’s wonderful to love two moms and to be loved by two moms, I see such a weight removed from her! I used to worry that this would be hard for me, but it really isn’t. I don’t feel threatened by it – just incredibly blessed to have a relationship with her birthmother. I dearly wish we had that for our other children.

But as open as we try to be with the kids about everything we know, it’s admittedly a more difficult process with our Chinese daughters. Since we don’t know many details, we must be careful not to fill in too much with what we think or hope. I told Maizie, for example, that I believe her first parents loved her and that it must have been hard for them when they realized they couldn’t be the parents that would care for her, but I can only say that I “believe” this to be the case. I don’t think it would be fair for me to say that I know it, when I have no way of knowing what they thought or did. Even though I wish I had more to tell them now, I think resisting the urge to “pad” the story will pay off when they are older. I don’t want either of them suddenly coming to a realization in young adulthood that none of what we told them could be KNOWN with certainty.

There’s no one right way to talk about adoption with your kids, and it can be daunting to figure out how to tackle it since each situation is unique. Just remember that even if you’re not an adoption expert, you’re an expert on your child, and if you’re capable or jumping through all the hoops of adoption, you’re certainly capable of educating yourself about how to deal with these complicated subjects.

RESOURCES

For a FANTASTIC list of articles, adult and children’s books, please refer to these sites:

Talking to Kids About Adoption and Family

Talking to Kids About Adoption