Garlise is becoming comfortable in his new world. He is beginning to think of us as his parents, and he understands that there is nothing any force on earth can do to make me abandon him. So he is now testing everything else. Like most children/teens from such abusive backgrounds, Garlise is compelled to do everything in his power to prove to himself that he will lose this family too. All of that righteous anger, bottled up for all those years, is coming out at last.

As a child it was dangerous to cry, tantrum, or in any other way draw attention to himself. He's making up for it now! Garlise occasionally has full out tantrums, just as he should have had as a four year old. Generally they are about the same basic issue too – specifically, who gets to be the boss. Mike is the beneficiary of most of this delightful testing. I've already proved myself as loving him forever, no matter what, and most of Garlise's issues are with men anyway. Frequently when Mike asks him to do something, Garlise will complain or dawdle (often with his lip stuck out just like a preschooler's). He also takes out a great deal of his anger by teasing and pestering the children and sometimes even Mike until he manages to make them really angry. He deliberately provokes Mike to anger almost daily. He is filled with an urgent need to prove to himself, again and again, that there is nothing he can do to make Mike beat him. I must admit that there are times when a spanking seems like it would be appropriate, but not for a fourteen year old, and never for a child who has been physically abused! Plus, he's a LOT stronger than I am. Mike and I use pushups and time-outs as consequences. Occasionally Mike is forced to carry Garlise to his room for a time out. Hopefully they will become unnecessary with a year or two, as I doubt Mike will be able to MAKE him do anything for much longer.

Garlise's behavior can be absolutely mercurial. In the morning he might be a delight – helpful, fun, and playful, amusing all of the kids, filling the woodstove without being asked, singing and dancing and being a complete goofball. I cannot put into words how dearly I love him at these times! Just an hour later he might deliberately harass the other kids. Farting on people's hands is one of his favorite tricks. Charming, no? In our house, deliberate farting in general and provoking the other children earns pushups. I have to point out that my son has the most exquisitely defined arms, (he's very proud of them, and loves to wander around the house shirtless) which should tell you something about how many pushups he does… So anyway, Mike will order him, "Give me ten." On good day, Garlise will complain a lot, with many, "Oh, Dad!!"s and some stomping before complying. On a bad day, he might throw himself down on the floor and thrash around, yelling protest with his face contorted in a toddler's tantrum. If he refuses to do his pushups, he gets more added. The othernight he was up to a sentence of 40 when Mike finally gave up and sent him to his room instead. For a bit it looked as if he would have to carry Garlise there.

Garlise won't ask for it, but he really seems to need Mike to wrestle with him and physicallyoverpower him without hurting him again and again. He complains loudly while it's happening, yet the next day he'll deliberately do something that Mike has just warned him about; "If you do xxx again, I'm goingto beat you up!" (In our household, to `beat' someone is to wrestle with them.) Of course he does xxx again immediately. He doesn't seem able to just walk up and start wresting, like the other kids do. This is also the only way my two macho guys can give each other full body hugs, which they bothneed as they struggle through this period in our lives. Every teenage dominance struggle that would normally happen between a father and son is multiplied in our family.

With me, Garlise is experimenting with what is just friendly teasing (a big part of life in the Boni household) and what is disrespectful. He's figured out I'm really disappointed with him if he cusses in front of the kids. I get very angry with him if he says `shut up' to any of them. Sometimes he either disobeys or half-obeys me. He knows I can't make him do anything, but knowing that I am unhappy with him seems to be a deterrent. He does need to make me angry on purpose sometimes just to prove to himself that I still love him. In fact, I often end up going into his room when he is sulking on his bed during a time out. This is one of the few times I'm still allowed to kiss him, when he's lying down sulking. I'll sit down on the bed beside him, lean over and kiss his cheek or temple, and cuddle him. I'll tell him that he's being a complete turkey or let him know that he's acting like a jerk and thatI still love him. I'll tell him straight out that he is my son and that I will always love him no matter what he does or what a jerk he actually is. At his age, a little honesty is good for him. He knows when he's being impossible.

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