If you have a family anything like mine, you’ve likely been praised for “giving a child a home” or “taking on these kids” or some similar sentiment. Most adoptive parents I know bristle at such comments, even though they’re usually well intentioned. As I’ve mentioned in other posts, I’ve found that the well intentioned, albeit ignorant, comments are the most difficult to deal with because it can be so hard to know how to respond. It’s almost easier when someone is blatantly rude, but the rude comments and questions come far more infrequently.

Nearly without exception, every time our family goes out in public, my husband and I have people tell us how neat/wonderful/loving we are because of what we “do.”

“It’s so great that you guys do this,” they tell us.

It sounds like a compliment, and thankfully right now it’s not a comment our adopted children can decipher. But as they get older, I worry that the message will come through loud and clear: My parents did me a favor when they adopted me. I’m not desirable, and it was a sacrifice for them to take me in. I was a charity case.

I’ve said it before, but every time I get one of these comments, I want to shake the speaker and say, “Don’t you realize these are my children you’re talking about? It is no more of a hardship, a stretch, a sacrifice for me to love my children than it is for you to love yours!” But especially for families who adopt children who may be harder to place because of age, ethnicity, or special needs, many people they encounter have a hard time removing charity from the equation. They can see no other reason that a family would adopt a child “like that,” other than the family must be exceptionally charitable. They attempt to look at another’s life through their own lens of perspective, and charity is often the only option that calculates. But I wonder, is their view of charity the correct one? Is mine?

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