As we discussed in part one, many American families are choosing to delay family raising until they are older and more established in their lives and careers. Along with this phenomenon, we are seeing more and more families who have raised their children, but who have chosen to start over with a “second family” through adoption.

Wes Whatcott is the former owner/director of West Sands Adoptions. Although “technically” retired, Wes continues to work as a consultant to agencies and individuals, and is currently navigating the seas of Hague accreditation for his former agency.

Wes and his wife Sandra are parents to eleven children, six of whom joined their family from Ethiopia when the biological children were grown. Wes kindly agreed to share his “second family” experiences with us.

I was, of course, curious about how the Whatcotts came to the idea of adopting in their late fifities!

“Twelve years ago if you had said to my wife and me that we would soon adopt six children, we would have suggested that you go back to your doctor and get some new medications because the ones you were presently taking were not working

“At that point, we had been helping people for years to adopt from other countries. We thoroughly enjoyed doing that. The thought of us personally adopting never crossed our minds. But being in the position we were, we were presented with what basically was a catalogue of orphans in Ethiopia needing adoption. We used this for several months to present to prospective adoptive families.

“Then one day, I noticed my wife was sitting in my office, staring and staring at the photo of a particular little girl. I looked down at her and said, ‘Honey, are you thinking the same crazy thing that I’ve been thinking?’

“Almost tearfully, she looked up at me and replied, ‘Yes.’

“I said, ‘Okay, let’s do it.’

“That was all there was to it.

“Something about having been married for nearly 35 years at that point made a lot of conversation unnecessary.

“We then determined that girl had a little brother. Okay, we thought. If we adopt one child, then the plans for retirement where we take off in the motor home and never return were shot. If you adopt one, you might as well adopt two, ‘cause the retirement plans become radically altered.

“We contacted the orphanage director where this girl and her brother were. He told us those kids had been in the orphanage for years without anyone showing the slightest interest in adopting them, so if we wanted them, they were ours. We went about getting a homestudy and all the rest of the preparations we needed.”

Unfortunately, during their first attempt at adopting, Wes and his wife faced a trial that many of us have experienced and all of us dread: a failed adoption.

“…a black cloud descended upon us. We received word that a German couple had shown up at the orphanage with all documents completed, money in hand, selected the very two children we had selected, and had ridden off into the sunset with them.

“We were devastated. For three weeks we could not even go into my office or talk about adoption. It was as if we had suffered the death of our children.

“But then one day it occurred to us that we should ask this questions: Had we committed just to these two children, or had we committed to the idea of taking orphans into our home to raise as our own?

“The reply was the latter, so we began considering other children. But then our problems really began: ‘If we take this child, then we cannot take that sibling group. If we take this sibling group, then we cannot take so-and-so.’

And then came the famous last words: ;)

“’Oh well, let’s just take them all.’

“So we wound up with six. We would have taken more, but when the folks at Immigration learned we were taking six at the same time, they about flipped, so we decided we better stop at that.”

And here Wes offered some wise counsel to ALL adoptive parents:

”I mention this because not always to people get to adopt the particular children) they first select. Sometimes things happen. A selected child may die before the adoption is complete, a biological mother appears back on the scene and has changed her mind and wants her child back, or other things happen. People need to commit to adoption, not just to a particular child they want to adopt.”

I next asked Wes about how difficult it was to make the decision, and what things they did to determine that they were taking the right path. I specifically asked about fasting, prayer, temple attendance, and seeking advice from others.

”We did all those things – went to the temple, fasted, prayed, but those were only for confirmation of what we already knew we were going to do. What we did NOT do was talk with others. We knew most folks would think we were crazy as it was, my wife being 57 and I being 58 at the time we took in ‘Family Number Two.’

“During the time we were waiting for things to be processed, we had plenty of ‘nay-sayers’ appear. My wife’s best friend approached her at one point and said, ‘Sandra, have you really thought about what you are doing?’

“My wife was polite, but what went through her mind was to say, ‘Oh, D – Thank you SO much for asking that question. No, we really have not given it any thought. We’ve only raised five children, we both have college degrees – how lucky we are to have friends like you to raise that question to us. Thank you so much. We’ll go home right now and think about what we are doing.’

(I have to confess, I wish she’d said this out loud. To be a fly on a wall! I’m SO using this next time I’m pinned at the grocery store! ;) )

Wes related that while most people have come around, it was difficult to be constantly challenged by those who disagreed with their plans. Opposition within their family was particularly difficult.

“Though none of our grown children were wildly enthusiastic, most of them were willing to let us do whatever we wanted. After all, it was not like we put it to a vote. One son, however, was adamantly opposed. He wrote letters to the Immigration department telling them he thought we were too old to adopt and a few other nasty things. My wife and I were really shocked at his reaction. Our feelings were, ‘Support us if you can, stand aside if you must, but for Heaven’s sake, this is none of your business so if nothing else, get out of the way.’

“Later he repented and his children (our grandchildren) and our adopted children are now best friends.

Wes added that they’ve received the usual questions that transracial adoptive families get.

"’Well, they might have friends when they are young, but when they get older, who will they date? Who will they marry?’

“Our replies were, ‘Wll, we suppose they will marry whomever they fall in love with. Who do you expect your kids to marry?’"

Fortunately, the Whatcott family has found great support and acceptance within their family, church and community. Wes relates that one older couple in his ward told him his children needed grandparents, and promptly volunteered for the position! “Grandpa” has since passed away, but “Grandma” still visits and sends them birthday cards and gifts. In addition, some friends went on to adopt three children from Haiti and credited the Whatcotts for being their inspiration.

I also asked Wes if he felt they’ve been better parents the second time around and if so, in what ways. This is his response:

We feel much more relaxed. Before if our kids screwed up, as most kids will do from time to time, we sort of took it as an insult to us. Now we don’t take it at al personally if they screw up. And actually, they were much easier to raise than our biological kids were. We don’t know if that has to do with genetics or environment. Frankly, we would rather not know the answer to that!

Wes added that they have NO regrets and offered this counsel to those considering adoption after raising a family:

”Let the Holy Spirit guide you (which for most will be to adopt), and you’ll experience joy and blessings far, far, far about whatever you would get by taking off in that 50-foot motor home.”

Additional Resources:

Older Parent Adoption
Older Parent Adoption Blog
Over 40 Adoption Forum