Topic: Birthmother's who have chosen to keep subsequent children after putting the first up for adoption.
The effect on the adopted child when the relationship is open.
What issues may come up?

I just found out my baby's birthmother is expecting and plans on keeping it. Her situation hasn't changed and I am worried what effect it may have on my son. We have a VERY open relationship with his birthmother.
I would love to hear insight from others who have been there.

Tana,

A good topic I think to cover is :

Preparing the family at home for a new sibling or preparing children at home for new sibs.

Also:

Post adoption depression - something that I am hearing more and more about these days on adoption forums.......

And I don't know if you have covered this:

Attaching in adoption or attaching with the older child.......

Hope this helps!

gloria

Okay, just going to throw a bunch of ideas out there feel free to ignore them if you've already covered the topic.

Ordinances with older children (name and blessing, baptism, sealing) what are the pros and cons of either doing them as soon as you bring them home or letting 6 months to a year pass to allow for language acquisition and attachment.

I'd love tips and hints on making the sealing day a positive experience for both the child and the family

What about birth dates. So many internationally adopted children come with obviously incorrect birth dates, what are the pros and cons of keeping it as is vs. changing it to reflect accurately the day they were born. For example issues with federal government, emotional issues with kids as they grow up, etc.

Artificial twinning - how to know if it's a good idea for your family or not.

Perceived saintliness of those who adopt older children or children with medical/developmental challenges or adopting when you can birth children "of your own"

Pros and cons of adopting more than one child at a time - addressing adoption of siblings but also unrelated children.

Maybe more later, I love brainstorming stuff like this!

Tana,
Here is a pretty specific question for you... how and when do you go about introducing Sacrament meetings and primary?
And another question for you is... how and when do you open the door to church family and biological family to meet and be around your new child/children?
Thanks for letting us request these questions, since I have been thinking of them for months now!:-)

Tana,

What are the pros and cons of opening an International Adoption? Including when and under what circumstances would it be okay? How to go about searching? Affordability? Laws governing this in the US and perhaps in a few of the most popular international adoption countries -- can you give gifts, money, education to a birthfamily after the adoption is finalized. Have people had success sharing the gospel with birth families? If there are people who have opened their Int'l adoption, has the experience been positive or negative? How old were your children when you searched? Contacted? birthfamilies.

A different topic how do you handle stupid comments made by people in the church or family who should know better? Whether regarding family size, race, make-up,age, etc. What are your favorite dumd comments and best responses.

Another, how do you handle a child's questions about why thery were abandoned?

ANother, Lifebooks: when I adopted my 1st child through LDSFS I never heard mention of Lifebooks. With our 2nd, from COlombia, our agency spent a lot of time on them, they have workshops, and our SW wants to see a rough draft at our 6th month follow-up visit. Has anyone else prepared a Lifebook for their child? How can you best prepare a Lifebook that includes not just the facts, but the beauties of what we know about adoption, choices, etc from a gospel perspective? Is there a reason that as Journaling LDS women no one ever talks about Life books?, especially when they are such a popular topic of discussion on other listserves??

Melinda

Great ideas so far, ladies! Keep 'em coming! :)

Hi, I just found the site and I am excited to be part of the discusion. I am LDS and hoping to adopt a child.
We are new to the process and hoping to learn as much as we can from those who have more experience.

Alisa

Hey, another one:

The subject of cultural literacy. My son has an amazing vocabulary 6 months after coming to the U.S., but much of his lack in language comes from never experiencing things that are common place here. Some examples: swimming pools and all that goes along with those, nursery rhymes, etc. And things like a photographer saying "say cheese!" was very confusing because even though he knew the words, the context and setting made no sense with the words.

How to catch my child up academically. I got he would be "behind" I did not get that he would be very smart but have no comprehension as to what colors even were and that it would take several months and trying several teaching methods for the light to click on with such a simple subject. Cultural literacy plays a huge part here too.

I know there are blogs that say what should be included in a profile and birthmother letter, but I want to know the best way to go about CREATING it. What kind of paper? Which place makes the best copies (inkleys? Kinko's? my own printer on "best" setting photo paper?) Are people making scrapbook pages by putting borders around photos with fancy paper and then copying that? or just putting together photos in Paint and printing that. I feel completely lost and I have never seen another profile to compare my ideas to!

Thanks!
CoryEllen

How does one feed a large family and still save money at the same time?
*been watching all these Discovery health shows*

Also, disciplining children. What's the best way to do that?

And how does one form a strong social network to help the parents with the children, especially within the church?
how can one find people who understand?

Hey,
We are waiting for a match from Ethiopia, our 3rd adoption and 1st international and 1st interracial one (sort of).

Anyway, I have been wondering a lot lately about interracial dating in the LDS church (I am LDS). This is a long way down the road, but stiill something I think about for my future interracially adopted child(ren).

What about addressing the myth of the "grateful older child adoptee" I ran into an old acquaintance of mine last week who told me she wanted to adopt an older child (10-12) because they knew the circumstances they came from and would work so hard once adopted to a US family because the situation here is so much better.

Loaded question for you... what importance do you place on having your children surrounded by people who "look" like them? Can that mean other children who where transracially adopted? Or is it more important/ equally important for my Ethiopian children to be with other black American citizens? Living in Utah does not provide me with much of the latter.:-)

One topic that isn't given enough weight is the grief experienced through adoption loss. I'm not talking about a birthmother placing a child, but an adoptive family falling in love with a child, expecting that child to come to their family and for whatever reason are not able to bring them home. I've experienced that grief due to unethical agency practices, birthmother deciding to parent (and hurray for her) being "picked" and then "unpicked" All have been painful, but there seems to be so little recognition of the pain and grief and loss we experienced.

I would like to see more on coping with loss (i.e, - a contested adoption/failed placement) - how to deal with the emotional roller coaster as you anticipate the loss, how to handle the grief, how to handle others' well-meaning comments, how best to help your children get through it. I started to read these blogs last year at the beginning of our contested adoption, Fortunately, ours has a happy ending for our family. But, reading others' stories of very long frustrating waits wasn't always therapeutic...

Also, I think it would be useful to talk about how to reduce jealousy between siblings with different life stories. (i.e. - Open, loving adoption with one set of birth parents; nearly closed adoption with another set; your tall, slender lighter-skinned daughter and her stockier, darker-skinned sister) What family traditions have helped your family appreciate each person's cultural heritage and build self-esteem?

For those who are waiting for an adoption and going through the approval process, I think that there should be more on "Are you really prepared for a transracial placement?" Things like: Do you have a racially diverse ward? What resources do you have in your community? Are children of color singled out in the schools? Do you have several Asian/African American/Latino friends? Are there hair salons in your area that have experience working with African-American clients? How willing/able are you to relocate to a more diverse area for your child?

Adding a new member to the family. How much input should siblings have in adding someone to the mix? If your three-year old wants a baby brother, do you reflect that in an application to adopt, or do you assume it is a reflection of their friend down the street who has a baby brother? Is there a certain age where their input has more weight? Or, should you only involve them once you've filled out all the paperwork, are approved, and presented with a placement opportunity? How do you use this period to help them have their own spiritually bonding experiences with that new family member?

Anyway, I have more ideas, but I think that this is probably enough for my contest "quota"...

How about challenging stereotypes about adoption, different races and Mormons in general and how to teach kids the art of not generalizing people?
Then there's also sibling rivalry to consider and how to settle that and also recommended parenting books because I've read one and a description of another that alarmed me.